Moving things around…..

Posted on April 19, 2012 by Luna.admin

I have been trying to figure out for a couple of weeks now how i was going to write this piece. Knowing it needed to be done and that I was more worried about annoying someone or having someone read into it. I have since realized that those people are going to do that no matter what I do……So here it is.

I’m reorganizing the stove top as it were. Changing the focuses so that things stay vital in my life. I am trying to avoid burnout. Everything I do in my life holds such significance as far as who I am and what I do that I would simply hate to get to a point  where I want something cut completely from my life. So I am refocusing my efforts.

My business and my work with Sexquire has been very fulfilling. Making the decision to work for those that are sex positive creatives, educators, business owners and entrepreneurs is probably the best move I  could have done for myself. In doing this I have met some amazing people in this industry and I want to put as much energy as possible into making Sexquire what it needs to be for this industry which is a one stop place for everything legal, administrative and project consulting.  A large part of my energies will be in this.

My ideas on what I want to teach are shifting. I have been focusing alot on kink and fetish but I want to bring more to the table. The brain is churning focusing on relationships, advocacy, releasing sexual guilt, and creating stronger self. These are concepts that are not locked down to just “kink” and I think that is the key that I have been looking for. Things might look a little different on here as far as content because of it but it’s still the “deviant path” don’t you kids worry.

Also my creative side has been resparked thanks to not being afraid to let my geek flag fly any longer. Scifi, Steampunk Cons and Pennsic have given me a huge inner glee and has me energized in areas of costuming, dance ideas, hardware modifications and so on. I’m slated to attend my first Convergence this summer, going back to Pennsic this year, plus WorldCon and TeslaCon for fall.

The big thing is that I am going to be putting kink and kink events on the back burner for a little while to work more on my business and the new roads that have been presented to me. It would be a shame to miss out on growth and change simply because of comfort. So no teaching or attending events unless local.  I’m not going away just out of the spotlight some so that I can find all the happiness I want and deserve.  When I started thinking about this a couple of months ago I was terrified of the concept but I have been becoming more and more comfortable with the concept.

Events like Momentum helped me with that and I am grateful for it. I think this is the change I have been looking for. Breaking out of my mold some and becoming the person I was meant to be.

 

 

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And from the ashes comes a new flame….

Posted on March 2, 2012 by Luna.admin

So from August until February I was not feeling it. I had been dealing with a burn out from bootblacking at Pennsic for two weeks straight.  Events made me jumpy and sometimes uncomfortable. I reached a breaking point that left me spending most of the winter figuring things out. If this community really was home for me anymore. When you have been in it for so long and teaching for a long time you tend to question if you are making an impression or doing any good anymore.  I felt underground. Nesting. Rebuilding me.

I went to the Fetish Flea this year unsure what to expect. I was teaching topics close and near and dear to me.  These are the classes that basically define me on many levels.  Femme, Bootblack, Little….but were these areas that really defined me anymore?

There is something about the Fetish Flea that is always wonderful for me. It’s familiar. It’s where it all started for me 12 years ago as far as being publicly out there other than in my own local area.  Even though it is one of the largest events on the East Coast there is comfort there. Because of that I was able to walk in there feeling more like me than I have in a very long time. It wasn’t just the environment…..it was the people.  How welcoming it was and I don’t mean just the event producers and staff. I mean the people who were in my classes. I think I have some of the most response participants that I have ever experienced as a presenter.

My age play class was full and even though my class was 90 minutes I think with that group I could have easily gone 2 hours. So many idea, opinions, experiences. Every year I think ” I should retire this class.” It was the first one I ever created and still it reaches so many and helps so many.  Age play is such an emotionally driven topic. When I start seeing the impact the discussions have on people I have to keep going. Letting people feel comfortable in being who they are. It made me say to myself,  “You have to keep going.” After a day of doing nothing but Age play classes and meet and greet and panel I pretty much slid down the wall of my room and started crying. Not pain. Not anger. Not sadness. Just I had given everything. Opened myself up completely, bring up things that I had originally forgotten.  I felt I really had given everything as a presenter that day. The interesting thing was that I still had one more to go.

Bootblacking 101 classes have had me feeling split. I see the point of them but at the same time one of two things happens. The teacher treats it like making everybody into a public bootblack or it’s the same class that is always taught and leaves people going, isn’t there more? I decided to teach this class differently than I normally do. I wasn’t looking to make the room a bunch of bootblacks. I was going to show them how to do basic boots for themselves or their partners and how it can forge a connection. I haven’t done boots in months. Even Sir’s boots have been a few months.  90 minutes meant I could do two pairs of boots and I had picked out two pair from the class participants. Both had never had the experience before and were sold on not just the work but the experience. Have a room of wanting to learn new to the experience made the whole time that much more enjoyable. It restored my enjoyment of the skill and had to share that with my class.  I also had the lovely experience of meeting some of the local bootblacks and reconnecting with some of my favorites in the crew. The camaraderie was awesome and had me missing it.

When I left the event I was blessed with a few amazing moments.

One, was receiving a gift from one of my age play littles who attended my class and meet & greet. I have never had anything like that happen before and I was really moved by it. She said she wanted to give something back to me, and I couldn’t think of anything more precious.

the other was the thank yous. The several emails I received from people who attended my classes or interacted with me at the event. Their comments and feedback have given me such joy and revitalization in what I do. Their words doing more than any 0-5 scale ever could. I have made new friends and acquaintances and I am blessed for it.

So what has it done? It has me finally working on some much needed projects for me. My brain elated that I am going to finally get these topics out of my brain.  I am finally going to write my two books. I have a creative art project that I am in negotiation with an artist for and one more possible project that I am nicknaming my “I think I’m going mad” project. I need to talk to a few others before I mention anything about it.

But here I am watching what I thought was nothing but ashes have my phoenix form. It’s a baby but hey….it’s a beautiful thing to witness.

Thank you to those of you that have helped me see the spark. This is going to be interesting.

 

 

 

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*Erotica* Covered in Ash…..

Posted on January 21, 2012 by Luna.admin

I really could watch you smoke for hours. As a matter of fact I think I have in the past. There is just something about the whole process that draws me in. From watching you choose which cigar you are got to have. You carefully trimming the end to your liking. Sucking on the end moistening it and watching you light it. The flame high and wide as you dance the cigar over it getting an even lighting. Watching the tobacco catch fire in a glowing ember and fade. Your first couple of puffs are strong and the whole end lights up bright with each intake. I’m hypnotized by the whole process. There is something confident about your stance and your aura when you start to smoke. Like the cigar completes you. Creates a calm and zen in you.

I watch from across the room as you carry on your conversation with someone. I try not to be obvious but something tells me I am failing miserably. A part of me convinced that you are very aware of my gaze. Each draw on your cigar seems long and deliberate. The smoke slowly pouring out of your mouth, your gloved hand flicking away small pieces of ash. I can feel my mouth water and I am practically licking my lips wishing I could taste it. Minute feel like hours as I watch the ash build up on your cigar. Wishing I was closer to you, wishing I was called over to take the ash; to feel it, taste it.

I watch you tap the ash into your leather glove and my heart sinks. There is no ash for me. I sigh deeply and move my attention to another conversation. It’s not until I am fully involved in another conversation do I feel a pull on my shoulder. I move backwards til I am pressed into a wall. I’m face to face with nothing but leather. Even in my tall platform boots am I able to be eye level with you.

“My glove is dirty. Clean it”

Before I can say ‘Yes Sir’ your glove filled with ash is covering my mouth. my mouth can ‘t take it all. My tongue trying to keep up with the force of it but soon the ash is smeared on my mouth down my neck. I take the glove back toward my mouth. the smell of ash and leather mixing in my nostrils sending my head reeling. Your leg wedged between mine is the only that it really keeping me from sinking to the floor.
My eyes are barely able to focus as I look up at you hungry and wanting more. As if on queue my air becomes only smoke as I take in a breath. My legs now shaky as my world becomes a haze.

“You missed some,” You say as you point down at your boot.

Ash fall on the toe. I drop without hesitation. My tongue laping at the ash and taking in the taste of it mixed with the hard leather boot. My world becoming nothing but your ash, your smoke, your leather. I feel your other boot push into my back pushing my belly down to the cold concrete. Giving into the weight my brain no longer functions. I only feel need.

“Don’t move.”
I hear a chair being dragged over and soon the only thing in my vision is your boots. I feel heat on my back as your cigar teases the lines of my flesh. I try not to jump knowing the risk of being burned is high. There is still a part of me wanting it. The heel of your boot digs into my back and I wince in pain. I am not a person right now. I am simply a thing. your stool, your ashtray, whatever it is that you want. I hear you talking to someone vaguely and yet I don’t care. I am simply where I need to be. I feel ash fall onto my back and my body shudders.
I feel my pussy clench.
Your hand rubs the ash into my skin and then ruffle my hair; knowing full well it is simply to clean the ash off of your glove.
Time has no meaning here for me as you continue to enjoy your cigar. When you are done you pull me up so that my head is up to your lap. Your hands scratching my head and ruffling my hair. It pulls me back to the land of human. When you are done I take your hand and hold your glove over my mouth. Still smelling cigar smoke, ash and leather.
Grounding me I look up into your eyes and see you smiling down at me. No words are said. None are really needed. The smiles we both have say more than enough.

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The dangers of the blurred lines of consent

Posted on January 14, 2012 by Luna.admin

I know that this has been a hot button topic. Words like ‘rape culture’, ‘no means no’, and ‘consent counts’ all have been used alot lately. How a woman is dressed and how she presents herself seems to be a neon sign for some that say “I need to take that and to hell with what they say. They obviously want it.”

In Kink community the lines are blurred continuously. We are a subculture where the focus is sex.  We dress to impress and titillate 9 times out of 10.  Our get togethers are events that are to teach about better ways to please our partners, to sell items to get to that level and give us the environments in play spaces to do it. It is a subculture that is based on the endorphin high of sexual pleasure. So where can and is the line drawn?

I bring this up after dealing with some unpleasant conversations over the weekend. A female friend of mine contacting me about how a known predator of “newbies” was going to be on panels about sex, kink, kink& religion and polyamory at a sci-fi convention. Personally I had alot of anger. I thought he was blacklisted enough to not get onto any more panels or teach at events, but as one person who I spoke to said, “He was using a name he usually doesn’t use so I didn’t realize it was the same guy.

Why should it bother me? Because what he does is not hearsay. I have experienced it first hand and as someone who has watched them systematically wait for the changing of the guard when it comes to those in charge so he can enter in undetected has disgusted me.  Why have I never spoken up? Why have I not cried rape or unsafe player? It’s a fair question and sadly the answer is because in the past it has not made a difference. I can hear some of my close friends on this who are venomous in the concept of consent cry out “bullshit”, but let me explain.

In my almost 20 years in the kink community I have have a total of 3  incidences that were stalking, abuse and/or rape. 2 where I have gone to higher powers looking for help or changes and in both cases I was shut down. One was a case of stalking and being made uncomfortable at organization based play parties and when I went to the board of the organization with 4 other girls who had the same problem the answer was “we’ll keep an eye on him.” Needless to say when a few years past and he ran for the board of that same organization I was angry beyond belief. Since the organization is a “volunteer” based organization and he was a “valuable volunteer” they were not going to ban him or limit his access to anything the organization was doing.

A few years later I kept company with a man who invited me to his home. I accepted because I had people who I had respected vouch for him. We talked, We had a drink, he kissed me, we went to his room and then it went all wrong. I didn’t ask to be punched in the chest or slapped in the face, I didn’t ask to have his fingers jammed inside me to the point where I screamed from the intense pain, said ow and no. I tried to get away and he just held me in place. I fought and the more I fought the hard he hit me.  I finally just stopped fighting and knew he would stop. Every time I tried to leave the bed while he slept he pulled me in tight. All I wanted to do was escape and finally when he was in a deep sleep at 5 in the morning I could. I was mortified and ashamed. I could barely face my primary at the time with what happened. I went to people who knew this beast and was faced with the kind of questions and comments that I was shocked to hear from them.

  • “well you have a rep for liking it rough.”
  • “why didn’t you safe word?”
  • “You can’t possibly be talking about THAT guy.”
  • “maybe you gave him the impression you wanted that”
  • “I don’t believe you.”
  • “Well he’s never done anything bad to me”

I was sick. To this day it has affected how I view certain higher ups in this community and how we are all so willing to believe that someone is not a monster simply because it didn’t happen to them. This individual still teaches and there are those that still raise his flag. This man is the reason why I do not attend Dark Odyssey events of any kind. If they are comfortable enough to have him there to teach then I want nothing to do with them and since he is protected by powerful people in the community I fear nothing will change.

That experience colored my lack of willingness to say anything about this third one. I should have known better. I had watched him stalk and go after many women all of who were young and new. Maybe I thought that since I was neither young or new there would be no issues. I was wrong.  Again the problem was this. I was staying at his home, I consented to him curling up with me in bed. I had told him my limits in advance and I watched them all fall away.  I was brutalized, he fucked me without my consent, I could not escape. I could not say no because his fingers were in my mouth pulling my cheeks away to pain and I couldn’t get anything but sounds out. My tears and crying only excited him more. When it was over I got dressed and said I had a meeting I needed to go to. The meeting was hours away but I needed to get out of there.  Once outside I threw up. When I did confront him on what happened his excuse was that he had “lost control” and that he “thought I liked that sort of thing”.

I only spoke out about him to those close to me. I didn’t think going public was going to be helpful especially since I had people start giving me the same kind of lines as before. I did finally have some believe me and I did also find others who had the same story as I. It finally came to a head when I was teaching at the same event as this individual and I basically told the head of presenters to keep him away from me. When I told him why he was immediately concerned.  I was relieved when I saw that he was not going to be teaching again anytime soon. Then I started getting calls about this current Scifi convention.  When I made some inquiries about it I was told that their were people who were aware and that they had a “watch team” created to keep an eye on him.

Keep an eye on him? This means to me that you know full well in advance that you have let a dangerous individual into an event. An event that is not even a kink event but an event that is a scifi con that has kink classes. That you know his reputation and yet you still let him in and speak as if he has some validity to his knowledge sets a horrible president for the future.

So what am I getting at with all of this?

How is this not just a rant?

We constantly talk about consent but sometimes that concept is not as clear as black and white. Sometimes it’s not a case of “No” meaning don’t touch me. I think alot of people consider consent meaning Yes = touch me  and No= don’t touch me. When it can mean Yes= kiss me and No= don’t fuck me.  Yes= you can hold me down and No= you can’t punch or slap me.  Don’t interact with me expecting me to do with you what I do with my play partner of 6 years. What I do with say my Sir is different from what I do with my play partner in Chicago and that is different from my play partner in Boston or NY. Just because you’ve seen me take it hard doesn’t mean you can take me hard.

It’s to the point where this community sometimes scares me. That it protects too many monsters simply because they don’t want to admit that they made a mistake in supporting someone for too long.  What they don’t understand is that their silence does more damage than saying “I was wrong.”

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